he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
