I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
