some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
3pm strippers are depressing
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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