the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
