Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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