Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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