I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
