Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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