That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
