Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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