I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
