Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
