he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
