"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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