The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
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