I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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