fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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