a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
