i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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