Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
