The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
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He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
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the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
And then he peed in my hair
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