So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
