There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
