I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
