When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
