My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
