you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
