ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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