I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
