I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
