I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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