You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
