i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
