Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW