just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
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I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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