Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
