Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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