lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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