If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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