Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
my shit smells like andre
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
