i love accidental penises.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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