I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize