so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
