umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void