i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
