Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
