We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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