and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
