Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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