Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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