genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
and you fell through a lawn chair
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
