Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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