not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Just cropdusted the office
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
