morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
