she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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