I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
