I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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