By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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