My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
